I sometimes wonder if they really understand the way that I'm feeling. I'm so tired and the pressure gets to me sometimes. The worst part is that I just got home from one of the BEST weeks of my life. I did some things I've never done before and ACTUALLY enjoyed doing them. Why does it have to be so much drama when I decide to show some independence and decide to be an adult for once? Going to try and get some jobs booked so that I can leave this place again. Is it sad that all I want to do is get out of here? That I don't want anything to do with my family anymore? That my friends support me better than the people who are supposed to support you? Is it wrong for me to want to be who I feel I need to be and not who they always saw me as? I've grown and changed and made some discoveries about myself and quite frankly I think I should be allowed to be who I feel I need to be. I haven't changed my heart about anything but I've decided to change somethings on the outside. Why is that so much of a problem? And why do I have to be the one to carry the weight of the problems in my house? When did the word "family" begin to mean that the mother and father start dumping their problems on the children? Oh wait. Child. Because the other one is either at work, the gym, band practice, or sacked out in his room avoiding the world. It's not really fair because I don't really want to know what's going on. I just want to feel happy and loved and safe and be left in my happy bubble where none of the bad stuff can touch me. Do they know that by telling me the bad stuff that's bugging them and bringing them down brings out the blackness that haunts me? I mean I understand that everyone needs to vent but my venting would get me judged and I have to deal with all of their venting. It exhausts me to no end and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I think something inside of me has told me that it's time to move out of my parent's house and find a place of my own. I need a job and I need to find a place and just go. There's too much drama here and too much pressure to be who they want me to be and not who my heart tells me I'm supposed to be. Why can't they just be happy for me? Why can't I just be who I am and why does it have to be THEIR life for me and not MINE? I just wish they could see that I'm 22 years old and that I can use my brain and that I can make my own decisions about what is good for me. I think I'm done venting now. I'll stop boring you with my exhaustion. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.