love being ignored... even when i'm talking...

why do i bother half the time? doesn’t seem to matter. feeling like i’ve pissed off my friends again and now they don’t want to talk to me. i’m sure i’m over reacting but that’s how i feel. and since this is MY blog, i’m allowed to say how i feel so if you have a problem with that just deal with it and move on. no one’s making you read my blog… anyway… i had a pretty good day yesterday and today i’m feeling pretty lousy. mood swings are freaking bugging me. up down up down. half the time back and forth in 5 minutes or less… whatever… i hope you all are feeling better than me and having a great time living your lives…

Part Deux

Kaleigh felt better with Aidan by her side. She was seventeen years old, Aidan had just turned eighteen. Aidan had been quiet the last few days and seemed far away. "Is everything okay, Aidan?" Kaleigh asked. She was now eight months pregnant and was nervous about almost everything.
         "Kaleigh, will you go to dinner with me tomorrow?" Aidan asked. 
         "Of course, Aidan. I'd love to." The next night Aidan picked Kaleigh up and brought her roses. After dessert, Aidan took her to a park and they sat quietly for a little while. Then Aidan got down on his knee. 
         "Kaleigh, will you marry me?" Kaleigh had tears in her eyes. When she tried to talk, her voice caught in her throat. The only thing she could do was nod her head and cry. She hugged Aidan and cried into his neck.
         "I love you, Aidan." A moment passed and Aidan pulled out of the embrace. He pulled a small silver ring out of his pocket and placed it on her finger. 
        "I hope it fits. It was my mother's," he said. He looked into her eyes and then he kissed her. Lacing his fingers with hers, they walked back to Aidan's car. He walked her to the door and before they went inside he kissed Kaleigh again. "Don't ever forget that I love you and your baby, Kaleigh," he said. "This step we're taking is going to start rumors again. We have to be strong."
        "With you, Aidan, I will be." When Kaleigh showed Arabella the ring, she hugged her and Aidan at the same time.
        "I'm so happy for you both!" The discussion of dates came up. Arabella reminded Aidan that the law in Ireland is that both people had to be eighteen before they could marry. Kaleigh had only just turned seventeen.
        "By then the baby will be born," she thought. She placed her hand on her belly where the baby was kicking. The sensation made her smile. The planning continued despite the fact it would be almost a year before the wedding would take place.


Kaleigh walked with Aidan every day. It was their only time to be alone. One afternoon, Kaleigh felt a pain in her back. Aidan noticed the wince on her face. "What is it, my love? Is everything alright?"
            "I think I should go home. I need to talk to Arabella. Something doesn't feel right." Aidan walked Kaleigh to his car and took her home. Arabella knew that Kaleigh's pain meant that the baby was on its way. When she told Kaleigh this, Kaleigh began crying. Aidan took her in his arms and held her until they reached the hospital.


Kaleigh's baby was a girl. When the nurse asked what the name of the baby's father was, Aidan said his name. Kaleigh was confused. "That man who called himself your father will never have a claim to her. I love her and now she is mine. What are we going to name her?" Aidan said.
          "Could we call her Aidan? Aidan Kelly?" Aidan smiled. 
          "I love it." The nurse handed Kaleigh her baby. "Hi, little Aidan," she said with tears in her eyes. 
          "Happy birthday, little one," Aidan said. Arabella came into the room.
          "Come see her, Arabella," Kaleigh called. "Her name is Aidan. Like her daddy's." Kaleigh looked at her fiance. Arabella stood over the baby and touched her cheek gently. "May I ask you a question, Arabella?" Kaleigh asked catching her eye. Arabella nodded. "May I..." she paused. "May I call you mom?" Arabella hugged her, baby and all.
          "Yes, you may." Arabella's tears mixed with Kaleigh's and they held each other. A few days later, they took little Aidan home.
         "She needs a nickname so we'll know who you're talking to," Aidan said, "Why don't we call her A.K.? Those are her initials." Kaleigh and Arabella agreed to this and they put A.K. to bed.


As Kaleigh's eighteenth birthday drew near, the wedding plans began to take more time and caring for a new born was making Kaleigh irritable. Aidan came over every day to bring her her homework and to help take care of 'his daughter.'
         "Aidan, you may call her by her name. We all know she's yours," one of his friends said one afternoon. "Even though that fiance of yours denied it all along. You're the only guy she dated." Aidan was fuming.
         "She is not my blood but she is mine. My name is on her birth certificate. You don't know Kaleigh the way I do. She doesn't want you to or she would tell you her story." 
         "Why don't you tell her story then? If it's so important."
         "She has very politely asked me not to. Besides it is not my story to tell. Now if you will excuse me, I have a family and wedding plans to attend to." Aidan turned his back and walked quickly away. He didn't realize he had clenched his fists until he was nearly to Arabella's house. "Who do they think they are talking about my family like that? Do friendship and love mean nothing anymore?" he thought.
           Kaleigh noticed Aidan's mood the second he walked through the door. "Look who brought home a grey cloud, A.K. . Daddy's upset." The moment A.K.'s eyes met his the feeling left and he could smile again.
           "She always makes it better," he said, kissing Kaleigh. "You always help too." They all settled down on the couch.
           "What did they say today?" Kaleigh asked, knowing that it had something to do with her.
           Aidan sighed. "They tried to make me tell your story. They picked on me for not using A.K.'s name and tried to say I was her blood father because you have only dated me for the year you've been here." He paused again. "Don't misunderstand, Kaleigh, I love her like she is my blood. But I know the truth and I always will. Until you decide to tell your story they will always make things up to suit themselves."
           Kaleigh moved closer into Aidan's shoulder. "I've been thinking about telling the story after the wedding," she said with a sigh. "Would you be totally against that?"
         Aidan shook his head. "It might explain everything to the people who always have their noses where they don't belong."
        "Aidan, it's really okay. Like you said the night I told you my story. We know the truth. And we're in love. That's enough for me." Kaleigh smiled at him. Aidan couldn't help but smile back. A.K. giggled from Aidan's lap and her parents laughed too.


Kaleigh and Aidan's wedding went off without a hitch. The reception was beautiful. Aidan stood by Kaleigh's side as she told her story to the friends who had joined them for the wedding. By the time Kaleigh finished, everyone was either in tears or on the verge of them. Kaleigh felt as though a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders after she had told them. Aidan felt the release of stress from her shoulders He looked into her eyes.
            "I love you Kaleigh. Always remember." Arabella brought A.K. to her parents. "I love you too, A.K. ." Kaleigh smiled up at Aidan.
            She said, "I'm happy." Aidan drew her close to his side. "I love you."




There you have it ladies and gents! The end of "Kaleigh's Story." Thinking I may expand on this little tale but you'll have to wait and see. Hope you enjoyed it.

long time...

I know it's been ages since I actually wrote anything here. And even longer since I posted what I'm going to post. How does the rest of "Kaleigh's Story" sound? That's been a while huh? Since February... I finished it long ago but just found the book again. So here we go...

"Kaleigh's Story"
By Avalon Swiftwind 


Arabella held Kaleigh's hands and watched her face. "You were very brave, Kaleigh. You are only a child and have made an adult decision. I'm proud of you for getting away from a difficult situation." Kaleigh suddenly felt tired. Her shoulders sagged and her chin fell to her chest. "I will do my best to protect you here, Kaleigh. Try and sleep. I'll stay with you until then." Arabella tucked Kaleigh in and sat beside her until she was sound asleep. Arabella walked out to her living room and looked at herself. She thought to herself, "The poor child. Forced to grow up so early in her life. No wonder she ran. No wonder she's jumpy." She had a hard time sleeping the rest of the night. Kaleigh met Arabella in the kitchen for breakfast the next morning. "How are you feeling this morning?" Arabella asked. 
             Kaleigh smiled a little. "Better," she said. I think it was good for me to tell my story. 
             
Kaleigh soon found a job in the afternoons so she could go to school in the mornings. She thanked Arabella every day for her hospitality. Kaleigh had made friends and was especially close to a boy named Aidan. He was the first person to become her friend when she had arrived at the new school two months ago. It was around that same time that Kaleigh became nervous about the results of her father's last rape before she left. She told Arabella her fears and asked for her advice. "What should I tell Aidan?"
              Arabella thought for a moment. "Have you told him your story?" Kaleigh shook her head. Arabella went back to her thinking. "Would you be opposed to having him over for a meal and telling him? I'd be here to back you up. From what I've seen of Aidan, he seems like he will support you no matter what happens."
             Kaleigh thought about it. "It can't hurt to ask. When should I ask him over?" The decided on Saturday's dinner. 
             Aidan agreed and only asked one question. "Are you in trouble, Kaleigh?" She looked at the floor.
             "I don't know." She quickly wiped at the tears that were forming in her eyes. Aidan quickly hugged her close.
             "Whatever it is, I"ll be here for you." Kaleigh hugged Aidan back.
             "Thank you, Aidan. I've never had a friend like you. In fact, I've never had anyone like you. The closest thing I've ever had to a family is Arabella." Aidan pulled away from her. He put his hands on her cheeks and used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that were now streaming down Kaleigh's cheeks. "I'll let you explain when that when you're ready." He hugged her again and, taking her hand, walked with her to their next class.

Aidan arrived exactly on time, his reddish blonde hair pulled back to show his green blue eyes. Kaleigh smiled shyly at him and he kissed her cheek. Arabella served the meal. After they had eaten, they gathered around the fire place, Arabella on one side, Aidan on the other, and Kaleigh in the middle. Kaleigh pulled her knees up under her chin much the same way as when she had told Arabella a few months before. She began her story again. By the end of it Aidan was holding her with her head pressed gently into his chest. "That's not the worst of it, Aidan. And I'll be okay if you decide to leave after I tell you." Here Kaleigh paused. 
               Aidan placed his hands on her cheeks again and looked her in the eyes. "Tell me. I'm not going anywhere." 
             Kaleigh sighed deeply. "I'm pregnant with my father's baby, Aidan." She watched his face, terrified at what she might see there. Arabella watched silently from the couch, tears in her eyes. Aidan simply held Kaleigh and let her cry. Arabella noticed him wiping away tears of his own. 
             "What are your plans, Kaleigh. For the baby I mean. Will you keep it?" Kaleigh didn't know yet. 
             "I'm terrified of what people will think. And I'm terrified of what they will say. More for you, Aidan, than for myself."
             "Let them talk, Kaleigh. No one outside these walls needs to know your story and everyone within them knows the truth." Aidan held Kaleigh until all the tears had stopped flowing.


Arabella had asked Kaleigh, when she had lived with her for about a month, when her birthday was. Kaleigh was spending most of her time with Aidan. She had lived in Ireland for five months and as her belly grew, so did the rumors about her and Aidan. One day, Kaleigh came in crying. She sat on the couch holding her knees. Arabella asked her what was wrong. "They're blaming Aidan for this," she said holding her belly. "I won't be surprised if he leaves me for it. He left school early today and that's when the girls went after me. They told me I've stolen him and that the only reason he stays with me is because it's his baby." Kaleigh stopped to catch her breath. "I love him, Arabella." Arabella smiled at her. "Why are you smiling?"
            "Come with me," Arabella instructed. "We remembered better than you, what today is." They walked into the kitchen and Kaleigh saw Aidan. He stood next to a cake on the table. "I love you too, Kaleigh," he said coming toward her. "Happy birthday." He wrapped her in his arms. "And I love your baby, too. It may not be my  baby but it is a part of you and so I love it." Kaleigh hugged Aidan back.
            "Thank you, Aidan." She pulled away slightly. "Thank you, Arabella."



So since this seems to be going on for a long time... I'm going to post another blog with another piece if not the rest of the story... Sorry...

ugh...

annoying people are annoying... THERE'S A SHOCK right? oh well. i needed to vent. i'm tired this morning and i have a stomach ache and i really want to sleep and do nothing else... but that doesn't even seem to help because when i try to sleep i CAN'T!!! what is wrong with me? i haven't really slept in 3 days... help?

oh and did i mention that i hate it when people ask stupid questions? please gain a little common sense people... i get tired of explaining things to people.

New

Two of my favourite shots from a recent photo shoot. What do you think?

Wow...

Isn't she beautiful? I found her online. She's drawn amazingly well.

thinking about eliminating electronics from my life...

thinking about cutting some people from my life.

thinking about eliminating the internet, my phone, iPod... all of it.

what's the point? none of it seems to matter anymore.

NONE OF IT!!!

what's the point of my existence... i don't seem to be good enough for anyone anyway. not as i am anyway. seems i have to change everything about me to be good enough. be different for
everyone i meet because being me is wrong. ALWAYS...
whatever.

no one reads my blogs anyway.

New picture.

What should I say?

What should I say?

I have a new picture for you. What do you think it should say?

What do You Say To This?

Here's today's photo. What does it say to you?

It's caption time!

I know! It's been a couple of days. Same on me but I've been REALLY busy... Here's a new picture for caption. Let me know what you think it should say.

Any guesses???

Here's today's picture. Help me out with a clever caption. Sorry about the blurry...

Caption this August 3

Sorry for missing my post yesterday. It was a busy one. Here's today's.

Tell me what to say...

Here's today's new photo. Let me know what the caption should be.

Time for today's caption this...

Here's a new picture of the kittens. What do you think it should say???

Photo blog???

Thinking about what to do with my blog... I know they haven't been very interesting to anyone. Hence the 'shocking' lack of views in the past.


I've been thinking maybe I could start a photo blog. I'll take a picture everyday and post it. Maybe make it a 'caption this' kind of page. We'll see. I'll have to find some AMAZING things to photograph so I can keep my audience entertained. I think I'll start out with a picture of my new kittens. Maybe a picture of one of them.

tired of...

lots of things. being the oldest. being responsible. going to school. having to plan dinner. having to make dinner. living in my house. doing homework. having to think. having to plan. listening to the problems of everyone in my house. not being able to feel anything. living with the constant personality struggle in my head. feeling like i’m always wrong. having to be what my mom wants me to be. being seen as a little kid instead of the adult that i am. not being able to do what makes me happy. 

whatever… i get it. and i’ll deal with it. eventually i’ll be able to change all these things and then i’ll be free to be me.

not that it gets read...

But I'll blog again. I don't really know what to blog about. I keep getting told that a good blog has a topic and a direction but I can't see to find a topic that I know enough about to blog about it. I know lots of little things about lots of things but not enough to say I could blog about any of them. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about lots of things lately and wondering if I really have a purpose. and if I do what is my purpose? I guess I'll figure it out eventually. For now...


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

sigh...

Today was pretty good for me. Spent time with someone special and REALLY enjoyed myself. It’s amazing how just sitting and talking to someone who makes you feel amazing and special and like what you say really matters can make you feel like… well… that you really matter. There were only two problems with today. One… my stalker decided that he wanted to talk to me and body blocked the dang door when I tried to walk past. I seriously think he waited for me to come back and I shouldn’t have gone there. I should have just gone back upstairs. The other thing that killed my buzz is that my dad got mad at me over something stupid and started yelling the whole way home. Upside to being home is that I was alone for a while and got to talk to Mr. Amazing and now I’m feeling better. So all in all today was pretty good to me. :) I’m really happy about that.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

I... am ashamed...

I haven't been posting as often as I should have been but in my defense... I've had a lot going on. Between school and theater, I have friends I've been talking to and so my blogging kind of fell off the wagon... I've been daydreaming again... and wishing. I keep coming across pictures of the ring I want. It's a beautiful Irish traditional ring that gets passed down from parent to child but my family doesn't have one so... I'd have to get my own. Sara showed me that Avon's latest campaign has my ring for $20 but I don't currently have any money so... I'm stuck. I don't really know what to write so I'm going to keep this pretty short.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

FOR SHAME!!!

I haven't blogged in like 2 weeks. In me defense I've been pretty sick. It's not fun for me seeing as we have opening night in about 4 days. NUTS!!! I'm really excited about it though. Looking forward to shows this time. We're doing "Godspell."


Here is the info:


"Come laugh, cry, and be merry with us at Colabo Theater's production of Godspell! Bring a friend! At Family Music Center, Friday April 29, at 8 pm, and Saturday April 30, at 2 and 7 pm. Tickets are 12 for adults 10 for children. For more information on purchasing tickets please call 702-742-6109"


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

I'M FREE!!!

Ran across my stalker today. He just said hi and let me keep walking. So happy to be free of him. I don't want to count my ducks before they hatch but for now I'm happy that he's not bothering me. Another thing that happened today. I got to be part of a group that was interested in the idea that I pitched for our group project. A new bag for Tuesdays and Fridays since I only have one class on those days. Lighter backpack means less pain in my back. Less pain means a happier me. Happier me means less stress. I can handle less stress. Anything to keep my mind from that black place that seems to haunt me and deprive me of my best sleep. On the down side, I've been sick ever since my plane landed in Las Vegas from Long Beach. I will say this... I prefer the feel of the Long Beach Airport to the Las Vegas airport. It's small and a lot less security issues. My sick has included loosing my voice, a 101.2 degree fever, shakes, runny nose, and a cough that won't quit... But I'm getting better now. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

"Nothing is so common, as the wish to be remarkable."

William Shakespeare said that. The man truly knew what he was talking about. Even 1400 years ago. I mean think about it. How much importance does our society put on being in the public eye? How important is it to the people of the US to be famous? To be recognized for what we can do. For what we accomplish. Seems a little crazy but it’s totally true. Even I have fallen victim to the wish to be famous and recognized for what I can do. In the end, I need to remember that everything I can do is a gift from God and that He truly deserves the fame.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

I sometimes wonder if they really understand the way that I'm feeling. I'm so tired and the pressure gets to me sometimes. The worst part is that I just got home from one of the BEST weeks of my life. I did some things I've never done before and ACTUALLY enjoyed doing them. Why does it have to be so much drama when I decide to show some independence and decide to be an adult for once? Going to try and get some jobs booked so that I can leave this place again. Is it sad that all I want to do is get out of here? That I don't want anything to do with my family anymore? That my friends support me better than the people who are supposed to support you? Is it wrong for me to want to be who I feel I need to be and not who they always saw me as? I've grown and changed and made some discoveries about myself and quite frankly I think I should be allowed to be who I feel I need to be. I haven't changed my heart about anything but I've decided to change somethings on the outside. Why is that so much of a problem? And why do I have to be the one to carry the weight of the problems in my house? When did the word "family" begin to mean that the mother and father start dumping their problems on the children? Oh wait. Child. Because the other one is either at work, the gym, band practice, or sacked out in his room avoiding the world. It's not really fair because I don't really want to know what's going on. I just want to feel happy and loved and safe and be left in my happy bubble where none of the bad stuff can touch me. Do they know that by telling me the bad stuff that's bugging them and bringing them down brings out the blackness that haunts me? I mean I understand that everyone needs to vent but my venting would get me judged and I have to deal with all of their venting. It exhausts me to no end and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I think something inside of me has told me that it's time to move out of my parent's house and find a place of my own. I need a job and I need to find a place and just go. There's too much drama here and too much pressure to be who they want me to be and not who my heart tells me I'm supposed to be. Why can't they just be happy for me? Why can't I just be who I am and why does it have to be THEIR life for me and not MINE? I just wish they could see that I'm 22 years old and that I can use my brain and that I can make my own decisions about what is good for me. I think I'm done venting now. I'll stop boring you with my exhaustion. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

Only 42 hours...

Til I leave my house for California for a while and getting out of my house. Time for a change of scenery and some other things are going to be changing too but I can't tell you what they are. You'll just have to wait and see. I'll get a break from what's been going on in my house and a break from my brother. It will be nice. Going to spend some time with my sister. Short blog is short. Sorry. Not much to say.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

For shame, Angel...

I haven't posted in a long time. For shame. In my defense I've been venting to an ACTUAL person instead of just the internet. And I've been doing homework and planning for my trip. I'm looking forward to that A LOT. I'm going to be doing something crazy while I'm gone but I'm still not telling you what it is. I'll probably be posting pictures. If I don't post them while I'm in Cali I'll post them when I get home. I finished my speech class today. Only one test to go and I'll be done for the quarter. YAY!!! No more school for a whole week. I'll be going to the beach and hanging out and just having some quality time with my sister. Is it weird that I've already started packing and I'm not leaving til Tuesday? I'm just super excited I guess. It's been about 2 years since I spent any real time with my sister. The only down side is that I'll be leaving my Sara behind. I'll be talking to her online though. It's kind of funny because my sister is as excited about talking to Sara on my computer as Sara is to talk to my sister. It's going to be fun. That's all I know. I'm not looking forward to my afternoon class. It's going to suck. But hopefully I'll get out early. For now...


Feel loved and safe. 
A Thiarna, déan trócaire.

Feeling like...

At the moment I’m feeling hurt and alone. It’s been a rough day. I know you’re allowed to have other friends and that you want me to be a part of your other life but it’s hard to combine old and new parts of your life. I’ll try my best to be a part of it but it’s kind of hard for me. I felt left out today even though I was included in the game and it was easy to laugh. I felt lonely and out of the loop. I missed you today. Wanted to spend some time just the two of us to talk and catch up kind of. It’s been an off week and I’m sorry if I let you down at all. I know that my blackness gets in the way of everything and that it screws up my relationships. I hope this doesn’t damage anything but I felt I should let you know how I’m feeling. I don’t want to hide things from you. You’re my best friend and I hope that my feelings from today don’t screw anything up for us. 

Gah!

I don’t know why it’s so hard to come up with titles for these things. I really don’t know what to write about but I’m blogging. Slow class today. Not much going on. Not looking forward to blogging for my afternoon class final. Getting myself well prepared for my Thursday morning class. Not really worried about my Tuesday classes. I’m well prepared for them. Today is St. Patrick's Day so I’m all decked out in green and everything Irish I could actually think that I have. If only I had a sweater that was green or had a Celtic knot on it… again with the wishing. I really gotta stop that. It’s not good for me. I was told once that I should never wish for the days to go faster because that’s my life that I’m wishing away. BUT! I’m really excited for my spring break. I’m going to be doing something crazy while I'm in Cali and I’m not telling you what it is. You’ll have to wait til I come back and then you’ll see it. I might post pictures but I’m not sure yet… we’ll see.

wow...

Too many days I didn't post. I'm sorry. Been a little busy. Prepping for finals is not that much fun. I'm not feeling well this week. I'm going to be taking food to school tomorrow for my US History class. And I'm taking in the entire presentation because I'm not sure that the other two guys in my group will actually do their part. Keeping my blog short because I have other things I need to be working on. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

:)

To put it simply. A smile is how today went. Classes were easy and I felt smart this afternoon by having answers to questions in U.S. History. Talked to Sara when I could and we laughed as usual.  She saved me from a hug I really didn’t want and I even tried to avoid it. I’m sitting in my living room now watching tonight’s new “Glee” episode by myself and kinda bummed I won’t be talking to Sara til later. If I get to talk to her at all. I did however get to talk to my sister on the phone tonight. :) It was a pleasant surprise for me. I’ve noticed that I seem to be the only one in my group who’s actually working on our project. I got my paper written up today now all I have to do is type it up and put together my part of the slide show. I’m tempted to write up the rest of the paper and just tell Dr. Carter that I did the work and the others didn’t do any of it. I may let them present the parts they were supposed to present but I’m going to tell the teacher that the work was mine. I think it’s only fair that if I do the work that I get the credit. Don’t you? Well… now that I’m done with that rant I’ll try and come up with something interesting to say. I’m hoping that Sara can come over tomorrow so we can work on our debate presentation tomorrow. It would be fun to just hang out when we’re done too. Maybe go for a walk or play some frisball or something. We’ll see. For now I think I’m going to be done with my blog for the night.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

Hungry...

I'm hungry again... This is so random. Why am I always hungry? The life of a dancer I guess. NEW GLEE TONIGHT!!! So excited!!! Going to be watching it with Sara. Way to start the day, Pandora. Nothing like the "Pochontas" music to start me off. I went to a movie with my mom last night. We went to see "Rise" again since the first time was a wash. Very fitting that my Pandora is playing New Orleans jazz on Fat Tuesday. It's Mardi Gras today. I don't know what to write today. That keeps happening. I'm sitting here wishing I had snackage so I could make my tummy shut up... Hoping Sara can come over tomorrow so we can work on our debate stuff for class on Thursday. Going to be a short blog. Not much happening. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

EPIC DAY!!!

I couldn’t WAIT for this afternoon. I woke up in super good mood and it made the day go super slow because I wanted the time to go faster so I could see Sara and take her ice skating for the first time. I’m proud of her because she only fell two and half times. :) I’m sure with some practice she’ll get the hang of it in no time. We left the rink pretty early and came home to watch the video from one of my competitions. After it was over we just kind of sat in the living room for a while. We decided to go play frisbee in the street in front of my house and invited my neighbors to come play with us. My neighbor had the ‘genius’ idea to add another layer of epic to the game and brought out a soccer ball. So we’re standing in the middle of the street kicking a soccer ball and throwing a frisbee. We got tired of throwing the frisbee and decided to play a little game of soccer. The game ended in a tie and Sara and I were both sweaty and out of breath. We had a lot of fun. The worst part was having to take her home. :( I hate saying bye. Even if it’s only for a couple of hours it’s still the worst part of the day. My feet are hurting but my pain level is NOTHING like it used to be. I love my new shoes. They’ve made my back feel so much better and helped improve my posture so now I’m physically taller. My mom gave me some jobs to do tomorrow so I’ll be a little busy but I’m going to have fun while I do them. I’m trying to think positively about things now.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

Go beyond the surface...

I’ve just been thinking about the way the world sees people. Look a little deeper and you might see that people are hurting. Or that they’re really excited or happy. A look on someone’s face may say one thing but on the inside they’re feeling completely different. It’s just a thought but you should try it sometime…

It's a bit rantish. Be prepared.

So my plans for the day changed on me. Weird how that happens huh? It’s kind of ok though. Gives me time to do some other things instead. :) I just hope that tomorrow’s plans don’t change. That would make me super sad. :( Had a really super good dream last night. Made me smile. Woke up feeling great and, surprisingly, i still have a voice. After all the screaming I did at the show last night I thought for sure it would be gone this morning. I never quite realized just how rude people can actually be to each other. There was a problem with the seating in the balcony which is where myself and two of my friends were assigned to usher. You must understand none of us have ever done that before. People were getting mad because the seats were double booked in some places and were getting frustrated with the ushers for it. Some people were even yelling at a 13 year old girl over it. I mean really?! What’s up with that? And the poor performers. They were amazing despite the rude comments of the audience. Those of us in the audience that understood what the performers were going through screamed twice as loud as we normally do to back up the actors. Some members of the audience had enough nerve to tell performers how to do their jobs. There were some technical difficulties and so the show had an early intermission to try to correct them. It shocked me to see so many people just walk right out the door and not come back. They hadn’t even gotten to the best part of the show yet. My friends and I strategically placed ourselves so that we could see the whole stage and screamed our heads off every time we felt it was necessary. By the end of the night we all had sore throats and when we went to meet the performers after the show some of the ones we know said to us, “Scream much?” so we know they heard us. I went backstage after the audience had left and a few of the other performers mentioned to me that they appreciated our enthusiasm. So I know we were heard. Most audiences don’t realize how much their energy affects the way the actors feel. If an audience is having a good time and interacts with the performance in a positive way then the actors feel that and want to make it an even better performance. But if the audience is dead and has no response to anything, it makes the actors feel like they aren’t doing as well and the show tends to have problems. So for the actors who noticed my friends and I screaming, I’m glad we could give them a positive boost in the midst of so much negativity. 

Now, on to what to do today. I’m thinking I’m supposed to get together with my friend to do some homework. We’ll be doing that over the internet. :) Loads of fun there. Not quite sure what else will be happening today. Might ask if I can go riding. Haven’t done that in ages. Hope I haven’t forgotten what I learned last time I was there. I think I’m done ranting for now. Have a great day.

Feel loved and safe. 

A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

It's been a day...

It's been a day of up and down. Which is weird but true. It's weird because I spent most of the day with Sara. Every chance we got we were together. I think we need each other to keep each other really happy. We make each other laugh. I must say I really enjoy having a friend like Sara. We're trying to figure out when we can get together to work on our debate for school next week. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I'm going to be ushering "The Wiz" tomorrow night but I don't know what I'll be doing for the day. I want to go get my skates sharpened so I can go skating with Sara on Sunday. Need to find out the pro-shop schedule. I should probably call them. I ate dinner alone. I've been sitting at home alone since just after 5. My parents just got home. I had several people ask me about my shoes today. I love my new shoes. I'm feeling great tonight after wearing them all day. I'm blogging but I don't really have much to talk about. My phone shut itself off again today after it hadn't done that for a couple of weeks. I was hoping the problem had resolved itself a little but I guess not. Don't know what else to write right now. Other than that in the last week, Sara and I have talked on Skype video for 27 hours, 14 minutes, and 28 seconds. Nice huh? I enjoy it. 


Feel loved and safe. 
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

19 hours, 10 minutes, 27 seconds

In a week. That's how much I've talked to Sara. I love it. I don't think I've ever talked to anyone that much before. At least not online. It's so much fun though. We stay up til really late at night and just laugh. I'm looking forward to being able to talk to her while I'm in California with my sister so they can "meet" each other. It's going to be super fun. Today I will be cleaning the kitchen in exchange for my new Vibram Five Finger shoes that my dad got for me. On the upside, I can take my laptop into the kitchen and talk to Sara while I clean. We're trying to plan a fun day on Sunday. Maybe go ice skating. Got to keep my blog short because I have to clean. I'll write more later.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

I'm so bored...

Today was fun. I spent almost all of it talking to Sara off and on and we keep making each other laugh. Her friends in her class kept saying things like we're crazy because she was talking to her computer. It was funny. It's been fun and made the day go by a lot faster for me since I was alone. My sister is excited for my trip too. I can't wait! Is it weird that I'm already planning out my clothes for my trip already? I'm in that weird place again where I feel like I need to write but I don't know what to write about. I have a character and the beginnings of a story but I don't know how to write them down or even if I really want to write them down. I'm keeping this short because I've got to get a shower and go to bed because I have school tomorrow.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

What to write... Short blog is short.

Today was kind of interesting. Spent a good part of it with my mom. We got all the shopping done and just hung out and spent some quality time together. It was nice. We haven't done that in a while. Then we went to pick my dad up from the studio and went out to dinner just the 3 of us. Dad sat in the backseat of the car. :) That was fun for me. I kept catching my mom staring at me while I was singing today. My feelings are messing me up inside again. GAH! Dumb feelings. Short blog is short. Sorry.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

Poem and audition.

So I was going through some of my old pictures last night and found one of my old poems in one of the packets. I'm going to post it for you.


"Candie's Dance"
By Angel Donohew


Candie's dance.
No ordinary dance.
This dance done
Plays
A beautiful song
Played with each step
Each note not held long
A continuous beat
From a hard wooden seat
From her mind come the steps.
Each step plays a note.
The song is simple
Sometimes complicated.


A passion for sound
A knowledge unseen.
Only played by a key.
The dance of a pianist
The dance of her hands.
Candie's dance.


What do you think? Any good? I wrote it when I was about 14 years old. Today was my audition for "Godspell" and I'm officially in love with that show. The music is awesome and our script is fun. Plus I'm spending loads of time with my best friends. I sang "Name of the Game" from "Mamma Mia" for my audition today and I did really well with it. The song is right in my key so it was really easy. I'm tired and don't really have much to write about tonight. OH!!! I finally finished "Kaleigh's Story" by the way. I may be posting more of it later. Keep an eye out for it. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

Thinking...

I've been doing lots of thinking lately. Is that weird? I don't think it's weird. The first thing I've been thinking about lately is wether or not to post another part of "Kaleigh's Story" for you to read. What do you think? Another piece of the short story. Here you go. Just a snippet.


"Kaleigh's Story"
by Avalon Swiftwind


        Arabella touched Kaleigh's elbow and she jumped back. "We'll talk more later, child. Somewhere safe." Arabella smiled at her. "Come. I'll take you home." Kaleigh followed Arabella out to a waiting  car and they drove out of the city to a small farm house on top of a hill. A low stone wall surrounded the hill. 
       "This house looks cozy," Kaleigh thought. "Not like where I came from." She remembered the cold, grey walls of the apartment building she had called home most of her 16 years. Arabella noticed the confused look on Kaleigh's face.
       "Kaleigh, are you ok?" she asked.
       "Your house looks very inviting. Not at all like where I come from." Arabella showed Kaleigh around the house and showed her where she would be staying.
      "Do you like your room, Kaleigh?" Arabella asked while they were eating dinner. She nodded.
      "I've never had a room like that." Another memory flashed through Kaleigh's mind. She saw the mattress on the floor. She saw the cracked window that let in cold air and rain, the threadbare sheets, and the flat pillow. She shook her head to clear the memory. She caught Arabella's eye for a moment but looked away. Arabella was starting to figure out why Kaleigh had come to Ireland. They went to bed soon after dinner. Kaleigh's mind was reeling from all that had happened since she got on the plane. She slept fitfully and dreamed. She was awakened by  a touch on her shoulder that made her sit up with a start. Arabella sat next to her, a worried look on her face. 
      "What were you dreaming about? You were crying in your sleep." Kaleigh tucked her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around her shins.
      "I had a nightmare about... my father." She wiped her face with her hand. She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. "I guess I should tell you my story. It will explain a lot." She paused again.
      "Take your time, child. I will wait," Arabella said.
      "My mother died when I was 2. My father didn't take it well and started drinking. One night, when I was seven, my father came home quite drunk and woke me up." Kaleigh swallowed hard. "He beat me severely and actually broke my arm. He took me to the hospital and told them I'd fallen out of bed."
      "I'm sorry, Kaleigh. A father should never hit his child," Arabella said.
      "It gets worse," Kaleigh said, crossing her legs in front of her. "When I was nine, my father was drunk again and had brought home a friend." Kaleigh stopped again. Arabella noticed that Kaleigh's hands were shaking. She reached out and took one of Kaleigh's hands. Kaleigh breathed in a long breath and sighed. "They came into my room and first my father's friend and then my father soon after, both raped me." Kaleigh's voice cracked and she began to weep. Arabella pulled Kaleigh into her arms and held her close until her tears subsided. "After that night, my father or one of his friends raped me almost every night. If I wasn't raped I was beaten. Some nights my father would do both. So I worked odd jobs and babysat and saved until I had enough for a plane ticket and when my father went out, I gathered what I could and ran away. I have no other family and no real friends so it wasn't hard to leave. I don't think my father will miss me or even look for me."


To be continued...
What do you think? Still as engaging as the last bit? I might post some more later. For now...


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

The PAIN...

This blog is going to be hard to write. My left shoulder is killing me from an accident I had with a stationary cabinet this morning. All of the muscles in my shoulder are tight and sore. I don't know how to fix it but I'm going to try using heat. It's weird but the heat sometimes seems to take forever to get into my joints. Thinking I might ask my sister to talk online tonight. See what she has to say about my shoulder. And just to talk. I like talking to her. My back between my shoulder blades keeps popping. It's bothersome. I did really well on my speech this morning. I'm proud of myself. I didn't say 'um' or 'uh' at all and I didn't say 'like' at all. Now that I'm home I'm saying it all the time again but WHATEVER! I am who I am and I'm not changing. Love talking to my sister. She always makes me laugh and feel better about who I am and where I'm going. I managed to stay away from stalker all week today. That's refreshing. Still finishing "Kaleigh's Story." I changed the title by the way. Did you know potatoes grow all over the US? I didn't. I still have lots to learn about our great country. My dad says he thinks I banged up a muscle right on the edge of it and that's why the entire muscle up into my neck is tight and sore. I hope that my shower tonight and a good nights sleep will do me some good. I'm thinking I might actually go to bed on time tonight even though I don't have school tomorrow because I'm actually pretty tired and the pain in my shoulder is actually kind of draining. I'm watching "Police Women of Cincinnati" and it amazes me how stupid some people can be. My favorite officer is Mandy Curfiss. I can't really explain why she's my favorite but she is. I'm not going to write much more tonight. Not really much to talk about.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

Ugh.

I still haven't finished "Kaleigh's Story." It's taking me longer than usual to finish this story but for some reason I'm having fun writing it. I'm thinking about posting part of it. I went for a run today. Walked up to the track because my bike has a flat and I can't find the air pump. It was nice to run and get some exercise. Although the cramp I kept getting in my side was no fun. Ran half of my mile, walked the other half. Then turned around and walked home. It was refreshing. Thinking about doing that again on Friday when I'm home alone. I'm sitting in my living room alone and trying to finish my story. I'll give you the first part though. Ok? Let me know what you think.


"Kaleigh's Story"
by Avalon Swiftwind


          Kaleigh looked out the window of the airplane. She was leaving everything and everyone she knew behind. What lay ahead of her she had only read about. A land across the Atlantic promised freedom from her past and the pain that had followed her for as long as she could remember. The clouds below her began to clear as the plane began it's descent. She saw the island she was going to call home for however long she decided. "Do you know Ireland well?" the lady next to Kaleigh asked. Kaleigh turned away from the window. The lady's accent was strong and she had long, curly red hair and big green eyes. Kaleigh shook her head no. 
      "I've only read about it. And seen pictures. It's a beautiful country." Kaleigh looked back out the window. 
      "You have someone to pick you up and a place to stay?" Kaleigh shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I see," the woman said. "You may stay with me if you like. Until you have a place of your own." Kaleigh looked at her confused. 
      "Why would you do something like that? Let a total stranger into your life and home?" she asked. The woman smiled.
      "I'm returning home from my daughter's wedding. I have no husband and an empty home. Why shouldn't I share what I have with someone who doesn't?" Kaleigh thought for a moment.
      "Thank you," she said. "You're very kind."
      "You're welcome. If we're going to be staying together we had better know each other's names. I am Arabella. What is your name?" She put out her hand and replied.
      "I'm Kaleigh." After the plane landed, Arabella and Kaleigh retrieved their things and went to the baggage claim area. 
      "What does your bag look like, Kaleigh?" Kaleigh looked at her shoes.
      "I don't have one. All I have is in my backpack."
      "That's not much. Are you not staying long?" Kaleigh shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
      "I didn't have time. I had to leave before he came back."


Did it grab your attention? I hope? Let me know what you think of that bit. I'll contemplate posting more of it later. For now, I'm going to bed.


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

I'm writing again...

I started working on another short story yesterday and wound up writing 12 pages. The story isn't finished yet but I'm almost done. Got some homework to do today but it won't take me long. I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow but that's nothing new. I'm thinking about posting my new short story when I finish it. The main character's name is Kaleigh. I'm really excited about this story because it just sort of came to me. I had the urge to write yesterday and I just took out my pencil and started writing. The ideas just sort of formed behind my eyes like they do and I wrote them down. I think I might go for a run today. Might ride my bike up to the track up the street and run for a while. Sounds fun huh? Would definitely feel good to go for a run. I'll have to check the weather forecast and see what I should wear. No guarantee that I'll actually go either. Would be fun though. Take my iPod and turn it up for a while and just run. It'll help clear my head and be some good exercise. Get my heart rate up for some good cardio. I'll have to think about it some more before I decide. I checked with my parents and my dad says I just have to keep my eyes open while I'm up there. He worries and he's probably right to worry. Not the best part of town to live in. Hope you all have a great day. I'll probably post "Kaleigh's Island" later today or tonight depending on when I finish it. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.

50th blog post

Wow! I've made it to 50 blogs now. I'm impressed with myself. I only wish it was that easy to do vlogs not just blogs. I'm sitting in my classroom listening to my Disney Pandora and loving the Glee music. I've been having all KINDS of trouble with my laptop this morning and I've been on the verge of tears it made me so mad. I'm better now that the dumb thing is actually working. I'm disguised today. "Son of Man" from Tarzan just came on and it's my favorite song right now. There's a line in it that says "In learning you will teach and in teaching you will learn." I don't know why that line speaks to me but it does. Speaking of speaking... :) I got to talk face to face with my sister last night even though she's in Cali and I'm in Vegas. The wonders of video chat. We planned out part of spring break as far as when I'm going to get there and what airport I'll be flying into. It was lots of fun to be able to see her while we we're talking and not just to hear her voice. Although that's loads of fun too. We've both been so busy for so long that now that we can talk again it's nice. I really enjoy having someone to listen when I need it and to talk my problems over with. She makes me laugh. I'm looking forward to the trip. Should be able to get some great video stuff for my vlog and some awesome pictures. It's been WAY too long since we spent gobs of time together. My Tuesday morning class is exhausting considering we aren't even doing anything. I'm super tired today for some reason. Of course, it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that it took FOREVER to fall asleep last night. My dad says I was too excited from video chatting and planning out my spring break trip. He could be right of course. I need to invest in a new card reader. Mine is broken and that's why I haven't been able to vlog recently. The memory card for my video camera is different than a normal memory card or I'd just use the card reader in my computer. Might be cheaper to just get an adapter but I don't know if they even make them... My back is killing me today. From the opening slide of today's slide show, we're going to be covering early Medieval art today. "Arthur" 's time period. Seriously thinking about seeing if I can find Tarzan online or just taking the tape with me to Cali. It's pretty much my favorite Disney movie right now. I used to be pretty obsessed with Lilo and Stitch but now I've switched over to Tarzan. I don't know why but I'm suddenly very interested in looking back and digging up the old stuff in my life. Of course I've also taken to looking to the future and enjoying where I am now. Living in the moment because the next one isn't guaranteed to me. My brain hurts from trying to figure out what my teacher is saying sometimes. It's annoying. He thinks he's giving us hints for our test but it just makes my head hurt. It's amazing how fast your mood can change when a song you like comes on. For me it seems to wake me up a little and makes me move and gets my blood moving back into my brain. It's pooling in my bottom again. :) I hate sitting for long periods of time. That's probably why I hate car rides so much. My flight to Cali is only an hour and 5 minutes so I should be ok. We're talking about Irish Christian art. Things about Celtic knots and illuminated manuscripts. It's making me smile because I already know a lot about it. I love Celtic knots. And I've learned how to draw them pretty well. I like them because they illustrate the Trinity really well. It amazes me how much I can write when I'm bored in class. I'm thinking about looking up early Celtic art. I love it and it's fun for me to look at because a lot of it is IRISH. I love being Irish. It's part of who I am. And I love being Cherokee too. My family is a family of survivors and that makes me feel good. I should take that feeling and put it into my speech class that always makes me nervous. Just think about how strong of a family I come from and think about what they went through. Should help me feel less nervous but that doesn't mean it will. I'll write some more later. For now I'm going to watch some trailers and listen to some music. 


Feel loved and safe.
A Thiarna, dean trocaire.